Cultivating Intimacy in Marriage
“When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.” Deuteronomy 24:5
God created us for relationship—first with Him, then with others. In Genesis 2:18, after declaring all creation “good,” God said it was not good for man to be alone, establishing the sacred gift of human companionship. Marriage, a reflection of Christ’s love for His Church (Ephesians 5:25), is a divine call to intimacy, requiring time, intentionality, and mutual care.
Deuteronomy 24:5 underscores this priority, instructing a newlywed husband to stay home for a year to cultivate happiness with his wife. While life’s demands—work, ministry, or service—may shift our focus, this verse reminds us to prioritize intimacy, ensuring our marriages thrive as God intended.
Yet, cultivating intimacy isn’t automatic. It requires communication, understanding, and a heart anchored in God’s love. The story of A.W. Tozer and his wife, Ada, offers a poignant lesson. Lyle Dorsett’s A Passion for God describes Tozer’s intense devotion to ministry, which led to emotional and practical neglect of Ada. She managed their seven children alone, stretched by financial strain from Tozer’s choices, like refusing royalties or a car. After his death, Ada remarried Leonard Odam and said, “I have never been happier in my life. Aiden loved Jesus Christ, but Leonard Odam loves me.” Dorsett suggests Tozer’s imbalance—prioritizing spiritual pursuits over family—left Ada feeling unloved, a cautionary tale of neglecting marital intimacy.
But was Tozer’s imbalance the sole issue? Ada’s possible silence during their marriage raises questions. Did she communicate her need for more time or support, like a car to ease her burdens? If she didn’t, Tozer may have assumed her support for his sacrifices, as many ministry-focused husbands might. Her feelings of neglect, voiced only after experiencing Odam’s attention, may have crystallized in hindsight through comparison. This suggests her heart’s perspective played a role, possibly shaped by modern expectations of emotional closeness. Yet, as 1 Peter 3:7 urges, husbands must “dwell with their wives in an understanding way,” probing their needs rather than assuming agreement. Tozer’s unawareness doesn’t fully absolve him; he may have failed to seek Ada’s heart, missing opportunities to show love. Both Ada’s silence and Tozer’s lack of inquiry share blame, highlighting the necessity of communication in marriage.
Contrast this with missionary couples who embrace similar sacrifices without resentment. An inspiring example is Mary Garland, who served alongside her husband, Robert L. Garland, with New Tribes Mission in Bolivia starting in 1962. For decades, they dedicated their lives to reaching indigenous tribes, particularly the Yuqui people. Mary played a pivotal role in deciphering the Yuqui language to aid Bible translation and literacy efforts. Leaving their life in Chicago in the late 1980s, the Garlands faced the profound sacrifices of missionary life: isolation in remote, malaria-endemic lowlands, cultural and linguistic barriers, and the physical demands of living among unreached peoples far from home comforts. Robert passed in 2004, but Mary continued her ministry as a widow, retiring from field translation yet serving as a counselor for Global Media Outreach, an online evangelism platform. At Mary’s funeral in late 2024 (she passed at age 89), I had the honor of speaking, where their children—Nathan and Bethany—shared moving testimonies of their parents’ profound love and devotion to God and each other, a bond that endured through the trials of long-term mission work.
Their contentment, rooted in shared faith and purpose, echoes the Apostle Peter’s wife, who, despite his long absences as an apostle, supported his calling as a believing partner (1 Corinthians 9:5). Unlike Ada, the Garlands likely communicated needs or found security in God, avoiding comparison to “worldly” standards of spousal devotion.
Revelation 2:4 warns against forsaking our “first love” for God, a reminder to prioritize intimacy with Him. Jesus’ sacrifice wasn’t just to secure our eternity but to reconcile us to God (Romans 5:10), showing that relationships are central to His heart. Unlike God, who knows our thoughts through His Spirit, we can’t read our spouse’s mind. This makes communication vital, as illustrated in Paul’s gentle appeal to Philemon (Philemon 1:8–9). In marriage, we must make “gentle appeals” by speaking needs with kindness, not demands, to build unity. A husband might say, “My love, I long for us to walk together in this. Can we find a way to balance my calling with our time?” A wife might respond, “I feel stretched; can we pray about how to share this load?” Such dialogue fosters intimacy, honoring Romans 12:10’s call to “be devoted to one another in love.”
So how do we avoid the pitfalls of imbalance and dissatisfaction in marriage? Prioritize intimacy with God to find ultimate security in His love, then cultivate it with your spouse through intentional time and communication. Reflect on Deuteronomy 24:5—are you making space to “be happy” with your spouse, even amid life’s demands? Husbands, dwell with your wife with understanding (1 Peter 3:7), asking about her needs. Wives, share your heart gently, trusting God’s Spirit to guide. If single, invest in relationships with family or friends, mirroring Christ’s love. Like Paul’s appeal, let your words build bridges, not walls, ensuring love defines your relationships, not comparison or silence.
Prayer: Heavenly Father, You created us for intimacy with You and others. Help us prioritize our “first love” for You, finding contentment in Your sufficiency. Teach us to cultivate intimacy in our marriages through open, gentle communication, avoiding assumptions or resentment. May we dwell with understanding, balancing callings with care, and reflect Your reconciling love. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
God created us for relationship—first with Him, then with others. In Genesis 2:18, after declaring all creation “good,” God said it was not good for man to be alone, establishing the sacred gift of human companionship. Marriage, a reflection of Christ’s love for His Church (Ephesians 5:25), is a divine call to intimacy, requiring time, intentionality, and mutual care.
Deuteronomy 24:5 underscores this priority, instructing a newlywed husband to stay home for a year to cultivate happiness with his wife. While life’s demands—work, ministry, or service—may shift our focus, this verse reminds us to prioritize intimacy, ensuring our marriages thrive as God intended.
Yet, cultivating intimacy isn’t automatic. It requires communication, understanding, and a heart anchored in God’s love. The story of A.W. Tozer and his wife, Ada, offers a poignant lesson. Lyle Dorsett’s A Passion for God describes Tozer’s intense devotion to ministry, which led to emotional and practical neglect of Ada. She managed their seven children alone, stretched by financial strain from Tozer’s choices, like refusing royalties or a car. After his death, Ada remarried Leonard Odam and said, “I have never been happier in my life. Aiden loved Jesus Christ, but Leonard Odam loves me.” Dorsett suggests Tozer’s imbalance—prioritizing spiritual pursuits over family—left Ada feeling unloved, a cautionary tale of neglecting marital intimacy.
But was Tozer’s imbalance the sole issue? Ada’s possible silence during their marriage raises questions. Did she communicate her need for more time or support, like a car to ease her burdens? If she didn’t, Tozer may have assumed her support for his sacrifices, as many ministry-focused husbands might. Her feelings of neglect, voiced only after experiencing Odam’s attention, may have crystallized in hindsight through comparison. This suggests her heart’s perspective played a role, possibly shaped by modern expectations of emotional closeness. Yet, as 1 Peter 3:7 urges, husbands must “dwell with their wives in an understanding way,” probing their needs rather than assuming agreement. Tozer’s unawareness doesn’t fully absolve him; he may have failed to seek Ada’s heart, missing opportunities to show love. Both Ada’s silence and Tozer’s lack of inquiry share blame, highlighting the necessity of communication in marriage.
Contrast this with missionary couples who embrace similar sacrifices without resentment. An inspiring example is Mary Garland, who served alongside her husband, Robert L. Garland, with New Tribes Mission in Bolivia starting in 1962. For decades, they dedicated their lives to reaching indigenous tribes, particularly the Yuqui people. Mary played a pivotal role in deciphering the Yuqui language to aid Bible translation and literacy efforts. Leaving their life in Chicago in the late 1980s, the Garlands faced the profound sacrifices of missionary life: isolation in remote, malaria-endemic lowlands, cultural and linguistic barriers, and the physical demands of living among unreached peoples far from home comforts. Robert passed in 2004, but Mary continued her ministry as a widow, retiring from field translation yet serving as a counselor for Global Media Outreach, an online evangelism platform. At Mary’s funeral in late 2024 (she passed at age 89), I had the honor of speaking, where their children—Nathan and Bethany—shared moving testimonies of their parents’ profound love and devotion to God and each other, a bond that endured through the trials of long-term mission work.
Their contentment, rooted in shared faith and purpose, echoes the Apostle Peter’s wife, who, despite his long absences as an apostle, supported his calling as a believing partner (1 Corinthians 9:5). Unlike Ada, the Garlands likely communicated needs or found security in God, avoiding comparison to “worldly” standards of spousal devotion.
Revelation 2:4 warns against forsaking our “first love” for God, a reminder to prioritize intimacy with Him. Jesus’ sacrifice wasn’t just to secure our eternity but to reconcile us to God (Romans 5:10), showing that relationships are central to His heart. Unlike God, who knows our thoughts through His Spirit, we can’t read our spouse’s mind. This makes communication vital, as illustrated in Paul’s gentle appeal to Philemon (Philemon 1:8–9). In marriage, we must make “gentle appeals” by speaking needs with kindness, not demands, to build unity. A husband might say, “My love, I long for us to walk together in this. Can we find a way to balance my calling with our time?” A wife might respond, “I feel stretched; can we pray about how to share this load?” Such dialogue fosters intimacy, honoring Romans 12:10’s call to “be devoted to one another in love.”
So how do we avoid the pitfalls of imbalance and dissatisfaction in marriage? Prioritize intimacy with God to find ultimate security in His love, then cultivate it with your spouse through intentional time and communication. Reflect on Deuteronomy 24:5—are you making space to “be happy” with your spouse, even amid life’s demands? Husbands, dwell with your wife with understanding (1 Peter 3:7), asking about her needs. Wives, share your heart gently, trusting God’s Spirit to guide. If single, invest in relationships with family or friends, mirroring Christ’s love. Like Paul’s appeal, let your words build bridges, not walls, ensuring love defines your relationships, not comparison or silence.
Prayer: Heavenly Father, You created us for intimacy with You and others. Help us prioritize our “first love” for You, finding contentment in Your sufficiency. Teach us to cultivate intimacy in our marriages through open, gentle communication, avoiding assumptions or resentment. May we dwell with understanding, balancing callings with care, and reflect Your reconciling love. In Jesus’ name, Amen.