Healing Does Not Mean Forgetting
Have you ever been told you must forgive and forget? I was counseling with a person once who believed that it was impossible for her to forgive a person in her life who hurt her deeply. She felt this way because she equated forgiveness with forgetting—with erasing the memory of a very painful and traumatic experience in her life. Was she correct? Is erasing the pain that someone caused us from our minds a key to forgiveness?
I want to propose to you that forgiveness and forgetfulness are not two sides of the same coin. Moreover, although forgetting can be a fruit of forgiving, forgetting is not a one and done thing. Forgiveness is a choice we make as Christians, who know the grace of God, to drop the charges, to say, "this person doesn’t owe me. I’m not going to get even with this person. As God for Christ's sake has forgiven me, I forgive." (See Ephesians 4:31-32)
It’s important to emphasize that forgiveness and trust are also not two sides of the same coin. To forgive someone doesn’t mean we can trust a person. Although forgiveness can be freely given, trust must be earned.
And although we can say to a person, I forgive, forgetting is a process of choosing not to dwell on the pain of a past experience. And for the Christian who chooses to forgive, God gives a special grace to not only be able to choose to forgive, but to also reduce the impact of painful memories.
This special grace that God gives to heal our hearts of past trauma is seen in Joseph’s life.
After spending years as a slave in Egypt and also a prisoner of no fault of his own, by God’s grace and amazing providence, Joseph became a ruler in Egypt. Having served seven years as Pharaoh's second-in-command, the Lord blessed Joseph and his wife with two sons.
Joseph’s firstborn was named Manasseh. In Hebrew this means "making forget." Joseph names the child in honor and praise for the fact that God caused him to forget both his hardship and his father's house.
Remember Joseph was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers (Genesis 37:8), and spent years in prison on false charges (Genesis 40:14–15). But in fulfillment of God’s plan and by His providential orchestration, Joseph was suddenly brought from a prison to a palace (Genesis 41:44).
The name given to his second son Ephraim means "fruitful," which Joseph also attributes to God. As Joseph reflects on His life and how far God has brought him, he doesn’t feel resentment. He understood that God was at work through it all to prepare him for his future assignment and make him fruitful in the land of his affliction. Joseph was reflecting back on his life and he wasn’t dwelling on the bad things that happen to him, but on the faithfulness of God.
Typically we use the word "forget" to mean something lost from memory. But often in the Scriptures, the word has more to do with what a person chooses to dwell on and remember. The Scriptures often speak of forgetting as a negative human problem. We tend to forget what we should remember and remember what we should forget or not dwell on.
Joseph has not failed to remember either his time in prison or the loss of his family. Instead, the names given to his sons demonstrate that by God’s grace Joseph was able to reflect not on the negative circumstances of his past but on the good that God accomplished through it all and the blessings in his present life, like a new family. (Genesis 50:19-20)
During the hard times, Joseph did not understand why he was going through all the difficulty, but he kept holding on to the promise that God was with him and at work in his life even when it didn’t feel like it. Because he trusted God was with him, he made the most out of the difficult circumstances he found himself in. He never gave up.
As the theologian and philosopher Søren Kierkegaar put it: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
In C. S. Lewis’s book, "A Grief Observed" he gives a raw and deeply personal exploration of grief, written after the death of his beloved wife, Joy. As Paul Anthony Carr explained: “Unlike his other works, this book does not offer polished theological answers—rather, it is a candid and unfiltered account of his pain, doubt, and eventual journey toward healing.”
Below are four lessons and insights that Paul Anthony Carr summarize from “A Grief Observed”:
My dear friend Pastor Troy Keaton recently lost his wife to cancer. Today is her birthday. In celebration of her birthday he posted these words to her that capture what C.S. Lewis learned through his grieving process:
The apostle Paul wrote, “But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,” Philippians 3:13.
Forgetting is necessary to move forward. You can’t bear Ephraim until you bear Manasseh. Joseph chose not to dwell on the past, but on the faithfulness of God, and as a result, he was able to move forward.
Remember, forgetting doesn’t mean get over it. If you’re struggling to move forward in your life because of past hurts, God is not telling you to get over it, He’s telling you to remember Him, remember the cross, and seek His grace. He will help you to get through it day by day.
-Pastor Marco
I want to propose to you that forgiveness and forgetfulness are not two sides of the same coin. Moreover, although forgetting can be a fruit of forgiving, forgetting is not a one and done thing. Forgiveness is a choice we make as Christians, who know the grace of God, to drop the charges, to say, "this person doesn’t owe me. I’m not going to get even with this person. As God for Christ's sake has forgiven me, I forgive." (See Ephesians 4:31-32)
It’s important to emphasize that forgiveness and trust are also not two sides of the same coin. To forgive someone doesn’t mean we can trust a person. Although forgiveness can be freely given, trust must be earned.
And although we can say to a person, I forgive, forgetting is a process of choosing not to dwell on the pain of a past experience. And for the Christian who chooses to forgive, God gives a special grace to not only be able to choose to forgive, but to also reduce the impact of painful memories.
This special grace that God gives to heal our hearts of past trauma is seen in Joseph’s life.
“Before the year of famine came, two sons were born to Joseph. Asenath, the daughter of Potiphera priest of On, bore them to him. Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh. “For,” he said, “God has made me forget all my hardship and all my father’s house.” The name of the second he called Ephraim, “For God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction.” Genesis 41:50-52
After spending years as a slave in Egypt and also a prisoner of no fault of his own, by God’s grace and amazing providence, Joseph became a ruler in Egypt. Having served seven years as Pharaoh's second-in-command, the Lord blessed Joseph and his wife with two sons.
Joseph’s firstborn was named Manasseh. In Hebrew this means "making forget." Joseph names the child in honor and praise for the fact that God caused him to forget both his hardship and his father's house.
Remember Joseph was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers (Genesis 37:8), and spent years in prison on false charges (Genesis 40:14–15). But in fulfillment of God’s plan and by His providential orchestration, Joseph was suddenly brought from a prison to a palace (Genesis 41:44).
The name given to his second son Ephraim means "fruitful," which Joseph also attributes to God. As Joseph reflects on His life and how far God has brought him, he doesn’t feel resentment. He understood that God was at work through it all to prepare him for his future assignment and make him fruitful in the land of his affliction. Joseph was reflecting back on his life and he wasn’t dwelling on the bad things that happen to him, but on the faithfulness of God.
Typically we use the word "forget" to mean something lost from memory. But often in the Scriptures, the word has more to do with what a person chooses to dwell on and remember. The Scriptures often speak of forgetting as a negative human problem. We tend to forget what we should remember and remember what we should forget or not dwell on.
Joseph has not failed to remember either his time in prison or the loss of his family. Instead, the names given to his sons demonstrate that by God’s grace Joseph was able to reflect not on the negative circumstances of his past but on the good that God accomplished through it all and the blessings in his present life, like a new family. (Genesis 50:19-20)
During the hard times, Joseph did not understand why he was going through all the difficulty, but he kept holding on to the promise that God was with him and at work in his life even when it didn’t feel like it. Because he trusted God was with him, he made the most out of the difficult circumstances he found himself in. He never gave up.
As the theologian and philosopher Søren Kierkegaar put it: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
In C. S. Lewis’s book, "A Grief Observed" he gives a raw and deeply personal exploration of grief, written after the death of his beloved wife, Joy. As Paul Anthony Carr explained: “Unlike his other works, this book does not offer polished theological answers—rather, it is a candid and unfiltered account of his pain, doubt, and eventual journey toward healing.”
Below are four lessons and insights that Paul Anthony Carr summarize from “A Grief Observed”:
1. Grief Changes Over Time
Initially, Lewis’s grief feels like a suffocating wall, but over time, it begins to change. It does not disappear but softens, becoming more bearable. He learns that grieving is a process of adaptation, not erasure (obliteration).
2. The Importance of Honest Reflection
Lewis’s writing is a form of catharsis, allowing him to process his emotions and confront his pain head-on. He emphasizes the importance of being honest with oneself, rather than suppressing or avoiding difficult feelings.
3. Memories Are Both Comforting and Painful
Lewis reflects on how memories of Joy bring both solace and sorrow. While they remind him of the love they shared, they also highlight her absence. Over time, he learns to cherish these memories as a way of keeping her spirit alive.
4. Healing Does Not Mean Forgetting
Lewis realizes that moving forward does not mean forgetting Joy or "getting over" her death. Instead, healing involves learning to carry her memory in a way that allows him to live fully again. Joy’s presence remains a part of his life, even in her absence.
My dear friend Pastor Troy Keaton recently lost his wife to cancer. Today is her birthday. In celebration of her birthday he posted these words to her that capture what C.S. Lewis learned through his grieving process:
“Happy Birthday darling! I am not certain they celebrate these days in Heaven, but for me and the kids the day you were born is a day we cherish and want to celebrate. You were an amazing wife, mother and mimi and we love and miss you so much.
How’s Heaven? Oh how I wish you could tell us. This “glass darkly” prevents us from seeing the full measure of its beauty and glory. But that veil has been removed for you and I can only imagine the joy you are experiencing, the beauty that you are seeing and the power and presence of God that you are witnessing. I’m so happy for you!
We’re doing pretty good and moving forward. The kids and I are going to the grave this afternoon to love on each other and remember you. We are then going to get some pizza. We were going to eat at the grave, but it’s going to be cold and we figured you’re not there anyways.
We miss you so much and continue to keep your memory alive in a thousand different ways. God is being more gracious to us than we deserve and we feel His hand upon us as we walk forward.
We are moving forward but not moving beyond you. You are and will always be with us. If they have birthday parties in Heaven I would love to see the guest list at yours today!”
The apostle Paul wrote, “But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,” Philippians 3:13.
Forgetting is necessary to move forward. You can’t bear Ephraim until you bear Manasseh. Joseph chose not to dwell on the past, but on the faithfulness of God, and as a result, he was able to move forward.
Remember, forgetting doesn’t mean get over it. If you’re struggling to move forward in your life because of past hurts, God is not telling you to get over it, He’s telling you to remember Him, remember the cross, and seek His grace. He will help you to get through it day by day.
-Pastor Marco